Okay so I did what I said I was going to do. I caught up on stats, sat through all my lectures like a functioning member of society, even did laundry which honestly deserves its own blog post. My therapist would be thrilled if I hadn't canceled my last appointment 😅 I'm still behind on my research methods reading and I have a group project partner who has not responded to a single email and on top of all that my jaw is killing me rn from clenching in my sleep which is apparently something I do now. I slept fine the last two nights though so we're calling that progress.

But yeah anyway. The notes.

I told myself I was just going to organize them tonight. That was the plan two hours ago. Now I'm cross-legged on my floor surrounded by loose pages and I have what I'm choosing to call a system. And obviously I couldn't sort without reading so now I have a lot of thoughts. I know I've been vague about what's actually in these pages so I want to finally get into some of it. This is invasive, these are someone's private writings and I am reading them in my pajamas on a Wednesday night. But I feel like I'm getting to know this person and I don't want to stop, and nobody came to claim any of this sooooo at a certain point abandoned property is just abandoned property 🙃

So let me tell you about the previous tenant. His name is Dave.

I know his name because he mentions it in passing a few times when other people are talking to him. It took me a while to figure out which name was his because there are a LOT of names in these pages and I didn't know who wrote all this at first. But it's Dave. He lived here, he went to the same school I'm at now, and he worked at that restaurant I mentioned last post, the one I always walk past. It's so strange to think about. Like there's this whole person who had a routine in this town and now I have a routine in this town and they probably overlap in a hundred small ways neither of us would ever think about.

Anyway. Dave.

He writes about his job a lot. Like A LOT. And he has this way of making the most mundane shift sound like an event. It's genuinely funny, like I actually laughed out loud at some of it. Like he takes the job seriously but in this self-aware way where you can tell the seriousness is the joke but also kind of isn't? I might share some of those pages eventually, his work stuff is a good time 😅

He mentions getting his hours cut at one point and you can feel the whole tone shift. The humor is still there but it's thinner. He's doing the math while he's writing. Money is a constant thing in the background of everything, this low hum of not having enough. And the reason it's so tight is partly the job and partly his girlfriend.

Her name is Dawn. And from what I've read so far, she sounds like she's going through a really hard time. He writes about her not going to class and not working and you can tell he's worried but he's also trying SO hard not to make it sound like her fault. Whenever things seem tense he always turns it back on himself, like he's the one who's not doing enough. He describes her as his world at one point and it didn't read as a figure of speech, he means it.

And honestly?? It kind of got to me. I don't talk about my exes on here much bc what's the point but I've been in the Dawn position before. Not the same situation but the dynamic. Having someone worry about you and check on you and ask questions that feel like accusations even when they're not. And you know they're coming from a good place but you're already drowning and every "are you okay" feels like another thing you're failing at. Idk what Dawn is going through specifically yet, but I recognize the way she deflects. That's not manipulation that's survival mode.

Sorry, projecting 😅 Or being an empath. Same observation different vocabulary. I have a lot more thoughts on their dynamic but I'm still reading through it so I'll save the full analysis for when I have a better picture. There's a LOT of pages on this relationship.

There's also a landlord who I am VERY curious about. From what I've gathered this person is extremely eccentric and there's some kind of arrangement involving Dave doing work in exchange for rent? The landlord stuff is weird and I need more context before I can describe it without sounding unhinged. I will say that the way Dave describes this person made me a little uncomfortable. There's some stereotyping that I don't think he's fully aware he's doing, or maybe he is and thinks it's okay because it's affectionate? Idk. It's not the worst thing I've ever read but it stuck out. There are a few other moments like that in the notes where he says something that makes me go 😬 but for now I'm still forming my opinion of this guy.

But here's the thing about the landlord situation. The landlord from the notes is not the same management I've been dealing with. Whoever ran this building when Dave was here is gone. I asked about the previous tenant and they had nothing. I asked about the landlord Dave describes and got a blank stare. So the person who owned the building left, and the person who lived here left, and all that's left is these pages that nobody wanted to claim. I don't know why that bothers me as much as it does but it does.

And Kitten Caboodle. The cat 🤧 She comes up throughout the pages in these small moments that feel the most real and unguarded out of anything he writes. Just little things, the kind of stuff you only write about a pet if you genuinely love them. Those are the pages where he sounds the most like a normal guy living a normal life and they're honestly kind of comforting to read after some of the heavier material tbh.

Oh and one more thing that I can't figure out yet. At some point it seems like someone else moves in?? Like a roommate? Which is confusing because Dave and Dawn are already living here as a couple and this is not a big apartment, I can tell you that from personal experience. It seems really sudden from what I can tell, like one page it's just Dave and Dawn and Kitten and then this other person is just... there. I have no idea what the arrangement is. It's not like Dawn was helping with rent so maybe it is financial? But something about the way Dave writes about this person is different from how he writes about anyone else and I can't put my finger on why yet.

Which brings me to the other stuff. The mythology pages. I'm honestly conflicted about what to make of these and I can't settle on a theory so I'm just sitting on it for now. But I will say that now that I've been separating the pages into piles, there's more of it than I originally thought. It's not a few weird pages mixed in with normal stuff. It's like... half? Maybe more? And it has its own thing going on.

Here's what I'm thinking though. From context clues across the notes, the day to day stuff seems to take place right before lockdown started. He's working, going to class, dealing with relationship stuff, all pre-pandemic as far as I can tell. And even in the normal pages you can tell this guy has an overactive imagination. The way he writes about the most mundane things, like what I mentioned about his job, he's always making connections and going on tangents and turning a trip to the gas station into a philosophical event. Then the world closes and suddenly you're stuck inside with a brain like that and nowhere to put it. Maybe the fantasy stuff is where it went. Had to go somewhere. Or maybe it developed into something more. I know some people don't develop symptoms of things like schizophrenia until their early twenties. Maybe he had a breakdown. Maybe the mythology is what a breakdown looks like from the inside. Idk. I've seen that before. I've done my fair share of escapism.

So this is the part that's actually getting to me tonight. I got up to take a shower and when I came back something felt off. The room was the same but it didn't feel like I left it. Then I noticed a page on top of one of my piles that I don't remember putting there and I definitely hadn't read it before. I've been shuffling things around for hours so obviously I just lost track, but the thing is, this page was different. Most of what I've been reading is first person, Dave talking about his day, his thoughts. This was second person. Written directly at the reader. At me. And the tone was nothing like the rest. Almost aggressive. Accusatory. Like whoever wrote it knew you were there and didn't want you to be. It made me look around the room. I got up and checked the front door was locked. Which, I know 😂 It's a piece of paper. Written by someone who was here before I moved in. But at 1 AM alone on your floor it hits different.

I'm not going to sleep tonight. I already know. I put the pages away after that and tried to just sit here and breathe but the apartment feels wrong. And not just tonight. I've been here over a month and this place still doesn't feel like mine. I come back from class or the store and unlock the door and it's like walking into someone else's room. Like I'm borrowing a space that hasn't been offered to me. That's a weird thing to say about a room you pay rent for. I kind of feel like I need another shower.

But I do want to keep sharing what I find. I think next time I'm going to get more into the actual details. Maybe not his exact words yet, I'm still figuring out how I feel about that, but a closer look at what's actually in here. Some of this stuff deserves to be read by someone other than me. Sitting alone with it is starting to feel... I don't know. Not heavy exactly. Just present.

More soon.